Week 1 · Top story

SHORT STAFFED

@alexeldeib's Stafford's Staffers finished last, and the guys on the bench put up more than the guys playing.

The number

START THE BENCH

80.8

Bench points. The starters? 75.1.

Pause the scores ticker

Finalaaronargyres125.02louisnicoletti109.42Ja'Marr Chase and George Kittle both posted 2 catches, 12 yards. Coordinated outfits.FinalCorey Dylan Clark124.56Stafford's Staffers75.10@alexeldeib's best possible lineup wins this by 14.54. The one that played did not.Finalcasebrabham147.72cdb191995.96Zay Flowers averaged 30 yards a catch. Say it with Flowers.Finalbriancami148.66Lamar JacksOff141.86Swift and Watson combined for five touchdowns. @briancami simply declined to lose.Finaljwalthier126.46naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate89.04Isaiah Likely (23.8) sat while Kyle Pitts started. In hindsight, the Likely choice.Finalaaronargyres125.02louisnicoletti109.42Ja'Marr Chase and George Kittle both posted 2 catches, 12 yards. Coordinated outfits.FinalCorey Dylan Clark124.56Stafford's Staffers75.10@alexeldeib's best possible lineup wins this by 14.54. The one that played did not.Finalcasebrabham147.72cdb191995.96Zay Flowers averaged 30 yards a catch. Say it with Flowers.Finalbriancami148.66Lamar JacksOff141.86Swift and Watson combined for five touchdowns. @briancami simply declined to lose.Finaljwalthier126.46naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate89.04Isaiah Likely (23.8) sat while Kyle Pitts started. In hindsight, the Likely choice.

The Rundown

Week 1 · from the desk

HR NOTIFIED

The owner of this website finished last on it. Short-staffed doesn't begin to cover it: Derrick Henry, who plays for @aaronargyres, matched seven Staffers starters combined. To the decimal.

@dclark34's namesake actually showed up, and Lamar JacksOff still lost, because @briancami picked week one to be good at everything. Mahomes was the spare tire.

@casebrabham started Kyler Murray, got 0.62, and won by 51.76 anyway. Somebody warn the league about the week a quarterback shows up.

The hottest position in the league was backup quarterback: Jaxson Dart, Trevor Lawrence and Brock Purdy all topped 22 from the pine. Only @jwalthier had a good excuse, and it's named Caleb Williams.

After one week the commish is 0-1 with the third-most points, and @jonraduazzo is 1-0 with the sixth-most. Scoring is apparently optional.

Power Rankings

All-play record, then points

PINK SLIP: #10

1New
briancami
1-09-0 all-play
Mahomes is the backup here. That's the whole scouting report.
2New
casebrabham
1-08-1 all-play
Gibbs, Jeanty and Montgomery combined for 88.2. That backfield needs its own zip code.
3New
Lamar JacksOff
@dclark340-17-2 all-play
Slim Pickens at wide receiver: A.J. Brown and George Pickens combined for 8.4.
4New
jwalthier
1-06-3 all-play
Only lineup mistake: Judkins (6.0) over RJ Harvey (6.1). A tenth of a point. Surgical.
5New
aaronargyres
1-05-4 all-play
Houston's defense scored negative and the team won anyway. Don't expect that coupon twice.
6New
Corey Dylan Clark
@jonraduazzo1-04-5 all-play
Sounds like a law firm. Drew the Staffers, the easiest case on the docket.
7New
louisnicoletti
0-13-6 all-play
Drake Maye threw three picks. That's not a stat line, it's a Maye-day call.
8New
cdb1919
0-12-7 all-play
Jaxson Dart (26.6) sat behind Burrow. Next week, aim for the board.
9New
naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate
0-11-8 all-play
Kyle Pitts and Jaylen Waddle combined for 0.7. The team name has more a's.
10New
Stafford's Staffers
@alexeldeib0-10-9 all-play
Jonathan Taylor did his job. The rest of the staff is on a performance plan.

Trophies

The stats package · 14 awards

SWEEP. WRONG KIND.

The big stuff

Biggest domination

@casebrabham

by 51.76 over cdb1919

Even a perfect cdb1919 lineup (123.5) loses this one by 24.22.

Top score

@briancami

148.66 (+36.0 vs proj)

Sleeper projected a normal week. Sleeper has been corrected.

Biggest loser

@alexeldeibStafford's Staffers

75.10 (-38.1 vs proj)

Josh Allen alone outscored seven Staffers starters combined. He was on the other team.

Closest game

@briancami

by 6.80 over Lamar JacksOff

Jacksonville's defense (15.0) covered this margin twice over.

Other fun stats

Best manager

@louisnicoletti

100% of max (109.42)

Nailed every lineup call and lost anyway. Next week, try being wrong.

Worst manager

@alexeldeibStafford's Staffers

54% of max (139.10)

Paid $3 for Brock Purdy (22.1), then started the namesake (5.1). Loyalty isn't free.

benchJ. Coker29.80

startedR. Dowdle3.10

Best bench

@alexeldeibStafford's Staffers

80.80 on the bench

Kelce (8.6) sat so Colston Loveland could start and post a zero. Love hurts.

Best player

@jwalthier

C. Williams 37.26

Outscored Jameson and Javonte Williams combined. Undisputed Williams of the week.

Bench MVP

@alexeldeibStafford's Staffers

J. Coker 29.80

Two touchdowns from the couch. London and Adams managed 8.6 combined in uniform.

benchJ. Coker29.80

startedR. Dowdle3.10

Overachiever

@cdb1919

K. Walker 32.60, +20.3 vs proj

Named Walker, ran for 173 yards. False advertising, the good kind.

Underachiever

@casebrabham

K. Murray 0.62, -17.4 vs proj

Eighteen passing yards. Jayden Daniels (17.66) nearly matched that in points from the bench.

Lucky

@jonraduazzoCorey Dylan Clark

won with the 6th-best score

Sixth-best score, drew the tenth-best. Right place, right time, right Staffers.

Unlucky

@dclark34Lamar JacksOff

lost with the 3rd-best score

Would've beaten seven teams. Drew one of the two it couldn't.

Big spender

@dclark34Lamar JacksOff

$8 on D. Vele, 0.0 pts

Eight dollars, zero points, and Douglas ($5) matched it. Cost per point: undefined.

Scoreboard

Week 1 finals

NOT CLOSE. MOSTLY.

aaronargyres beat louisnicoletti

FinalGame 1+15.60

aaronargyres125.02

louisnicoletti109.42

Top gunsD. Henry 34.8vsJ. Smith-Njigba 22.2

Ja'Marr Chase and George Kittle both posted 2 catches, 12 yards. Coordinated outfits.

Corey Dylan Clark beat Stafford's Staffers

FinalGame 2+49.46

Corey Dylan Clark124.56

Stafford's Staffers75.10

Top gunsJ. Allen 35.7vsJ. Taylor 23.6

@alexeldeib's best possible lineup wins this by 14.54. The one that played did not.

casebrabham beat cdb1919

FinalGame 3+51.76

casebrabham147.72

cdb191995.96

Top gunsJ. Gibbs 31.1vsK. Walker 32.6

Zay Flowers averaged 30 yards a catch. Say it with Flowers.

briancami beat Lamar JacksOff

FinalGame 4+6.80

briancami148.66

Lamar JacksOff141.86

Top gunsJ. Jefferson 27.2vsD. Swift 31.9

Swift and Watson combined for five touchdowns. @briancami simply declined to lose.

jwalthier beat naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate

FinalGame 5+37.42

jwalthier126.46

naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate89.04

Top gunsC. Williams 37.3vsA. St. Brown 23.7

Isaiah Likely (23.8) sat while Kyle Pitts started. In hindsight, the Likely choice.

Nerd Corner

Standings & lineup math

PANIC? NOT YET.

Show the standings and lineup math

Standings
Team	W-L	PF	PA	All-play	Luck	Benched
1briancami	1-0	148.66	141.86	9-0	+0.00	8.4
2casebrabham	1-0	147.72	95.96	8-1	+0.11	18.9
3jwalthier	1-0	126.46	89.04	6-3	+0.33	0.1
4aaronargyres	1-0	125.02	109.42	5-4	+0.44	13.1
5Corey Dylan Clark	1-0	124.56	75.10	4-5	+0.56	15.8
6Lamar JacksOff	0-1	141.86	148.66	7-2	-0.78	9.8
Playoff line · top 6 get in
7louisnicoletti	0-1	109.42	125.02	3-6	-0.33	0.0
8cdb1919	0-1	95.96	147.72	2-7	-0.22	27.5
9naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate	0-1	89.04	126.46	1-8	-0.11	28.6
10Stafford's Staffers	0-1	75.10	124.56	0-9	+0.00	64.0

Lineup report, week 1
Team	Pts	Max	Left	Eff
louisnicoletti	109.42	109.42	0.00	100%
jwalthier	126.46	126.56	0.10	99.9%
briancami	148.66	157.06	8.40	94.7%
Lamar JacksOff	141.86	151.66	9.80	93.5%
aaronargyres	125.02	138.12	13.10	90.5%
Corey Dylan Clark	124.56	140.36	15.80	88.7%
casebrabham	147.72	166.66	18.94	88.6%
cdb1919	95.96	123.50	27.54	77.7%
naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate	89.04	117.64	28.60	75.7%
Stafford's Staffers	75.10	139.10	64.00	54%

SHORT STAFFED

The Rundown

Power Rankings

Trophies

The big stuff

💣Biggest domination

🥇Top score

💩Biggest loser

🤏Closest game

Other fun stats

🔥Best manager

🤡Worst manager

🪑Best bench

💪Best player

🛋️Bench MVP

📈Overachiever

👎Underachiever

🍀Lucky

😡Unlucky

💸Big spender

Scoreboard

aaronargyres beat louisnicoletti

Corey Dylan Clark beat Stafford's Staffers

casebrabham beat cdb1919

briancami beat Lamar JacksOff

jwalthier beat naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate

Nerd Corner

Biggest domination

Top score

Biggest loser

Closest game

Best manager

Worst manager

Best bench

Best player

Bench MVP

Overachiever

Underachiever

Lucky

Unlucky

Big spender